Narrative
ACTOR ON TV
Oh darling, no. I’ll die without you.
NICK
He’s Robert. He ran away with Jenny.
HECTOR
Oh no!
NICK
That’s why she can’t marry Lionel.
HECTOR
Oh, that is so sad.
NICK
I know.
HECTOR
But doesn’t Jenny know that Lionel is her brother?
NICK
She had a car accident. She can’t remember.
HECTOR
That is terrible! Ooh!
NICK
Quick, quick, quick, quick! Go on!
Kick it! Kick it!
BRIDGET
Football!
Hi boys.
NICK
Oh, hi, Bridget.
HECTOR
Hi, Bridget.
NICK
Oof!
BRIDGET
I need your help.
NICK
Sure.
What is it?
BRIDGET
I’m going to buy a new computer for work.
NICK
Oh! I know everything about computers.
BRIDGET
Great! I need one with a lot of gigabytes…
NICK
Uh-huh.
BRIDGET
…good RAM memory…
NICK
Hmm.
BRIDGET
…all the software compatibility and the top processor.
NICK
Hmm!
Maybe this one?
HECTOR
No, this one hasn’t got what she wants.
NICK
Oh, and you understand what she wants?
HECTOR
Yeah.
You don’t?
NICK
Of course I do.
HECTOR
Well, so do I.
BRIDGET
So? Have you decided which one?
NICK
Who’s going to pay for it?
BRIDGET
It’s for work, so they’ll pay for it.
NICK
Oh, [erm,], this one then.
HECTOR
This one is the most expensive!
NICK
It’s a nice colour.
HECTOR
Well, it has everything you want.
BRIDGET
Do you think more SDI sockets, or the analogue input?
NICK
Eh-hum.
BRIDGET
Oh, forget it. I’ll order it now.
ANNIE
[Sound of gasping]
Oh, come on, come on!
BRIDGET
What are you doing out here?
ANNIE
Waiting for my examination results.
BRIDGET
Oh, your results are arriving today?
ANNIE
What have you done to Teddy?
BRIDGET
Hmm? Oh.
Brad Pitt is much more handsome than Teddy.
Sound of letters being posted through letterbox
ANNIE
Oh, where is it? Ah, bill, bill, nothing, nothing, bill…
Aha!
Oh, it’s not my examination results.
BRIDGET
It’s from the landlady.
ANNIE
It says we are too noisy.
BRIDGET
Noisy? She’s written to the wrong apartment. My new computer’s here! Well, Nick? Open it.
Sound of screaming
BRIDGET
We’re never noisy!
Sound of paper being torn up
BRIDGET
My new computer’s here! Well, Nick! [Sound of clicking fingers] Open it!
NICK
Why me?
BRIDGET
Nails.
NICK
Whoa!
HECTOR & BRIDGET
Wow!
NICK
Oh!
BRIDGET
Anything else?
HECTOR
Well, it’s a very big box. Aha! Aha!
BRIDGET
What’s that?
HECTOR
Hmm, I think it’s the instructions.
BRIDGET
Great. Have fun.
NICK
Wait! Where are you going?
BRIDGET
Shopping. You better have finished when I get back.
NICK
Better have finished what?
BRIDGET
Installing the computer.
You do know everything about computers, don’t you?
NICK
Hah! No problem.
HECTOR
Oh! The instructions are all in English.
NICK
Ah-ah-ah — look. Oh, Hector, here’s a Spanish version. Oh yes….
HECTOR
Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
NICK
Right, let’s do it. Or don’t you know how to do it?!
HECTOR
I could do it with my eyes closed!
NICK
Hah!
Well, instructions are for girls!
Sound of discordant music
NICK
Oh yeah!
I am the man!!
HECTOR
Yeah, but I did all the work.
NICK
You?
Huh! I did it.
HECTOR
Huh! I am the computer king.
NICK
Oh yeah?
HECTOR
Yeah.
NICK
You think you can beat me?
HECTOR
Huh! I already did.
NICK
Computers are easy. How about a real challenge?
HECTOR
Whatever challenge you like.
NICK
Right. Hah!
Man Olympics.
Challenge One: Who can put the most marshmallows in his mouth?!
HECTOR
Marsh…?
NICK
…mallows. Look, one. Hmm!
HECTOR & NICK
One, two, three, … four … … … ….
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Hi, Chrissy! Soon I’ll be emailing you on my new computer.
BRIDGET
I’m going to buy a new computer for work.
NICK
Oh!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
The boys are helping me and they seem to know everything about computers.
HECTOR
No, this one hasn’t got what she wants.
NICK
Oh, and you understand what she wants?
ANNIE [Composing email]
Nadia, I don’t know whether I’ve passed or failed!
ANNIE
Come on, come on!
ANNIE [Composing email]
If I don’t know my examination results soon, I will go crazy!
ANNIE
Oh where is it?!!
NICK
How about a real challenge?
NICK [Composing email]
Ten! Ten marshmallows I stuffed in my mouth – two more than Hector.
HECTOR
One.
NICK [Composing email]
He’s not the man. I am. By the way, do you know anything about computers?
NICK
Well, instructions are for girls!
ANNIE
[Puffing and blowing noises/sound of paper being rustled]
BRIDGET
What’s that? Love letters?
ANNIE
No, I’ve got all the letters delivered to this building.
BRIDGET
You’ve got the neighbours’ letters?
ANNIE
Uh-huh. I’m sure my examination results are here.
BRIDGET
Where are the boys?
Ohhhh, they’ve installed my computer!
ANNIE
I think so.
Sound of toilet flushing
BRIDGET
Is that normal?
ANNIE
Bridget!!
BRIDGET
Nick? Hector? What are you doing?
NICK
Man Olympics. Challenge Two.
BRIDGET
What kind of a challenge?
NICK
Who can go the longest without, you know…. [sound of whistling]
BRIDGET
Falling down? Sneezing? Jumping?
HECTOR
No, no. Without going…, without doing…,
BRIDGET
Ohh! You want to spend a penny?
HECTOR
Spend a penny? I don’t want to go shopping!
NICK
No, no, no. She means… [sound of whistling]
BRIDGET
Stop thinking about your challenge and follow me.
ANNIE
Maybe I’ve passed! [Sound of musical fanfare]
Maybe I’ve failed. [Sound of low key music/burping noise]
Sound of door opening/closing
BRIDGET
You’re not going anywhere until it works.
NICK
Ooh! Oh, no!
HECTOR
Here, let me try.
NICK
Oh, you think you can do better.
HECTOR
I know I can do better.
NICK
Huh!!
HECTOR
I know a way from my country.
NICK
Really?
HECTOR
Really. My father taught me.
Banging sound
NICK
Hmm. Yes, we have that way in England too.
Banging sound
ANNIE
Oh, hi guys.
NICK
Hi.
Damn! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ah! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo! Hooo!
Assorted banging/buzzing/screeching noises
BRIDGET
Oh no! What happened?
NICK
It was like that before.
BRIDGET
It was not like that before.
NICK
Sorry.
BRIDGET
What are you doing?
HECTOR
Man Olympics. Challenge Three.
Dialling sound/mobile phone
BRIDGET
Hi, I need a man. No, you idiot! I need a man to fix the computer I bought. Tomorrow? Good. And I’d like him to be tall, dark, handsome.
Great, thanks. Bye. At last, a real man.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Chrissy! I had to call a man to repair my new computer!
BRIDGET
Hi, I need a man.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
It’s crazy! What happened to it?
NICK
It was like that before.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
I think Nick and Hector know.
BRIDGET
It was not like that before!
NICK
Sorry. Grrr! Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics.
BRIDGET
Grrr!
NICK [Composing email]
Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics. Huh!
NICK
New challenge: to get as many girls to call us as possible.
Luckily my sister Mel has got loads of friends, so Hector does not stand a chance!
Sound of phone ringing
BRIDGET
Oh, it’s Nick’s phone.
RECORDED MESSAGE
You have 23 new messages. Message 1: Hi bro, I’ve got all my friends to call you. Oh, I hear you and Bridget are history. That’s great news. I didn’t like her anyway. Message 2: Hi, Nick. Izzie here. Melanie asked me to give you a call. I hear you and Bridget are history.
Sound of phone ringing
BRIDGET
Hello, what?
Nicky Wick-wick is not here. Oh, is that Emma? Nick’s told me all about you. Yeah. You and your moustache.
Sound of phone and mobile ringing simultaneously
BRIDGET
Arrggh!Nick!
Sound of knocking on door
ANNIE
Mr Postman?
HECTOR
Man Olympics, Challenge Five.
NICK
Yeah. Ooh, errgghh, tug-of-war to see who is the strongest…, aahh, errghhh, oohhh.
NICK & HECTOR
Aaah!! … Ooohh!!
BRIDGET
They had a tug-of-war here?
ANNIE
Yes. They are so stupid!
BRIDGET
Who won?
ANNIE
I won.
BRIDGET
What’s wrong?
ANNIE
I want my examination results. Oh, where’s the post?
BRIDGET
Calm down.
Sound of knocking on door
ANNIE
The postman!
BRIDGET
The computer man! Well, hello there. Come in!
POSTMAN
But…
BRIDGET
I know what you’re going to say.
POSTMAN
But….
BRIDGET
It was like that when I bought it. So what do you think?
POSTMAN
It looks broken.
BRIDGET
Well, can you repair it?
POSTMAN
No.
BRIDGET
You can’t repair it?
POSTMAN
No.
BRIDGET
You don’t know how to?
POSTMAN
No.
BRIDGET
Well, how can you be a repairman then?
<
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POSTMAN
I’m not.
BRIDGET
You’re not a repairman?
POSTMAN
No.
BRIDGET
Well, what are you then?
POSTMAN
I deliver special letters.
ANNIE
My letter! Oh!
POSTMAN
Annie Taylor?
ANNIE
Yes!
POSTMAN
This is for you.
ANNIE
Ohhhh! Yes! Ohh!
Sound of door being opened
NICK
Man Olympics, new challenge. First one to get — ti-ti-ti-ti — Annie’s letter!
Barn dance style atmospheric music
ANNIE
It’s mine! Oooh, I can’t look! You read it.
HECTOR
Pass!
Sound of knocking on door
COMPUTER REPAIRMAN [= PETER]
Computer problem, miss? I can fix anything.
BRIDGET
My hero! Oh, thank goodness you’re here.
HECTOR, NICK, ANNIE & BRIDGET
Aaah!
HECTOR
Oh, how did he do that?
ANNIE
Peter?
PETER
Annie?
ANNIE
It is you!
PETER
Yes!
ANNIE
Oh, he’s Peter, an old friend. Oh, it was so clever of you to fix the computer.
BRIDGET
Good-looking and intelligent. A rare combina….tion.
NICK
Right! That’s it!
Man Olympics!
HECTOR
New challenge.
PETER
What challenge?
NICK
Let’s see who the real men are. Hector and me, or you two.
POSTMAN
OK …
PETER
… What’s the challenge?
ANNIE
Let us decide.
BRIDGET
Yes, we’ll decide.
Sound of drumming
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie gets a new job, so does Hector, and why does Nick become a beauty queen?
EXTRA, don’t miss it.
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