Narrative
HECTOR
Ohh, ohhh!
ANNIE
Hector, stop being such a baby.
HECTOR
But it hurts!
ANNIE
I haven’t touched you yet.
HECTOR
Ohhh.
ANNIE
Now stay still.
You will just feel a little needle prick.
HECTOR
Oh, go on then.
Hurt me, do it!
ANNIE
Hector!
HECTOR
Ohhhhh.
ANNIE
Hector!
HECTOR
Ohhhhh!
ANNIE
I’ve done it.
HECTOR
Huh?
ANNIE
I’ve removed the splinter.
HECTOR
Huh? Oh, er, yes, I knew that. I was joking.
ANNIE
What is it, are you scared of needles?
HECTOR
Who, me? Don’t be silly. But it was a very painful splinter.
ANNIE
OK, so if you’re not scared of needles, would you have a tattoo?
HECTOR
A tattoo?!
Yes, yes, I would.
ANNIE
Go on then, tough guy.
HECTOR
OK, I’ll have one if you have one.
ANNIE
OK. OK, it’s a deal.
Oh, by the way, Hector…
HECTOR
Hmm?
ANNIE
I had this done this morning.
But then, a deal is a deal, isn’t it?
Sound of door slamming
NICK
I — want a word with you.
ANNIE
Tough guy, eh?
HECTOR
Yeah. What do you want?
NICK
I — don’t. I don’t. I… keep forgetting this bit: I — don’t — like — your — face.
ANNIE
OK, so is this for television or theatre?
NICK
Nope.
This is real. This is me.
ANNIE
And you are…?
NICK
Can’t you guess?
Guys, you are looking at Muscles.
HECTOR
Where?
NICK
No, no, no. It’s my new name. I am the new man on the door at Ice.
ANNIE
What, you’re a bouncer?
HECTOR
What is a bouncer?
ANNIE
It’s someone who throws people out of night-clubs.
NICK
Uh-uh-uh. I am an entry executive.
ANNIE
So you throw people out of the club.
NICK
Yeah.
ANNIE
Yeah.
Nick, my granny could beat you up.
NICK
Ah!
But if your granny came to Ice and caused trouble, I would have to ask her to leave.
Besides, I’d have Knuckles, Cruncher and Muncher to back me up.
HECTOR
Who?
NICK
The other bouncers.
HECTOR
Yeah, right.
Sound of door slamming
NICK
Hi, sweetie.
BRIDGET
Has someone died?
NICK
No, not yet.
BRIDGET
Why are you dressed in black then?
NICK
Because, baby, you are looking at the new man on the door at Ice.
BRIDGET
You are on the door at Ice?
NICK
Uh-huh.
BRIDGET
But that’s.., but that’s wonderful news! What shall I wear? I’ll call the girls to find out what they’re wearing.
NICK
The thing is, Bridget, if your name’s not on the guest list, then you can’t come in.
BRIDGET
Nick, if my name’s not on the guest list, then you can’t come home.
Sound of mobile phone ringing
NICK
Hello? Oh! Hi!
Yup, that’s right. I start on Friday. OK, baby! No probs. Leave it with me. Ciao! [Sound of sniggering/Nick clears throat]
My mum. She wants me to do some gardening for her.
NICK [Composing email]
Dan, guess what?! I’ve got a new job!
I’m a bouncer at Ice!
Oh, this club is very trendy, very exclusive!
NICK
I am the new man on the door at Ice!
NICK [Composing email]
Hey! When the girls see me on the door they won’t want to go in!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Nick has got a job as a bouncer at Ice.
NICK
I — don’t — like — your — face.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
If he doesn’t get me on the guest list, he is in big trouble!
NICK
If your name’s not on the guest list, then you can’t come in.
Sound of puffing and panting
ANNIE
Hector, I just won… What are you doing?
HECTOR
Oh, just looking for a number.
ANNIE
Oh, I see.
Well, I just wondered if you wanted to share my chocolate with me before Bridget sees it.
HECTOR
Oh yeah! Great! Thanks.
Annie?
ANNIE
Huh?
HECTOR
Did I tell you about the time three people tried to fight me?
ANNIE
All at once?
HECTOR
Yup.
ANNIE
Really?
HECTOR
Uh-huh.
ANNIE
Oh, well, go on.
HECTOR
Well, three of them, they came at me…
ANNIE
Oh, you poor thing! And what did they want?
HECTOR
My sweets.
ANNIE
Oh. And how old were you?
HECTOR
Six.
ANNIE
And they were…?
HECTOR
Five, three and two.
ANNIE
Hector! Two years old! They were babies!
HECTOR
Yeah, but the Sanchez sisters were really tough!
ANNIE
Oh, Hector, you are sweet.
HECTOR
Annie.
ANNIE
Hmm?
HECTOR
Do you think I should be more macho?
ANNIE
Oh, Hector. You don’t have to be a tough guy for me.
I love you just the way you are.
HECTOR
Oh, Annie.
ANNIE
Come
on, let’s eat this chocolate before Bridget finds it.
HECTOR
Oh, please, let me.
ANNIE
Oh. Oh! Ooh, you’re so strong! Oh!
HECTOR
Ow!
ANNIE
What is it?
HECTOR
You are standing on my foot.
ANNIE
Wimp.
Sound of door shutting
HECTOR
Ah, hi, Nick.
NICK
Oh, hi. Hey, listen to this. "Bouncer of the month is Alex Smith who last year stopped 955 people from going into his club."
HECTOR
What is the name of the club?
NICK
Er, it doesn’t say.
It shut down last week.
Not enough people were going there.
HECTOR
Nick.
NICK
Huh?
HECTOR
What is a wimp?
NICK
Huh! Well, it’s not… Ha-ah-ah …
HECTOR
Annie just called me a wimp.
NICK
Yeah.
HECTOR
I want to be a tough guy, like you.
NICK
Huh?
HECTOR
Can you teach me? Please?
NICK
Of course. I was born like this, but I can try to help you, Hector, I can try.
HECTOR
Great. Why don’t you show me how to be a bouncer.
NICK
At — it — tude.
HECTOR
At — it — tude?
NICK
Yeah, like this. "Are you looking at me?"
HECTOR
"Are you looking at me?"
NICK
"Are you looking at me?"
HECTOR
"Are you looking at me?"
NICK
Hey, great!
HECTOR
So who am I looking at when I say that?
NICK
Anyone who is looking for trouble.
HECTOR
Aha!
And how do I know they are looking for trouble?
NICK
You just know.
Look.
HECTOR
What is this?
NICK
Bridget’s old toys!
HECTOR
What are they doing under your bed then?
NICK
I was looking after them for her.
Anyway, look, here, this is the club. "You — cannot — come in." "Let me in!" "Are you looking at me or chewing a brick, eh? ‘Cause either way, you’ll lose your teeth."
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
You know — brick, teeth, chew — cha-cha-cha-cha!
HECTOR
Ah, very good!
NICK
"You are a very scary guy. Hmm!"
HECTOR
Yeah. "Look! It’s handsome Nick! Ohhh! Ohhh! Look at his muscles. Hmmm!"
NICK
"Hellooooo! You are looking lovely tonight."
NICK & HECTOR
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! …. … .. . …. . ..
HECTOR
"Leave my boyfriend alone!"
NICK
"It’s OK, Bridget. I’m just doing my job." … … … …
NICK
If your name’s not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. If your name’s not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. Huh! Hmm! Please could I have your name, sir?
MAN OUTSIDE CLUB
What do you want that for?
NICK
Because if your name’s not on the … guest list, you cannot come in.
MAN OUTSIDE CLUB
And what are you going to do about it, pip-squeak?
NICK
I …, I …
MAN OUTSIDE CLUB
… … Shall be a good boy! Aah-aah!
BRIDGET
Didn’t you hear what the man said? He said, "Go. Disappear. Vanish. Evaporate — now!"
MAN OUTSIDE CLUB
OK, I’m going!
NICK
Sorry you had to see that, Bridget.
Course I had the situation completely under control.
BRIDGET
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
NICK
So, Bridget, why are you here?
BRIDGET
Hmm, what? Oh, I’ve brought you some sandwiches.
NICK
Oh, Bridget, how nice of you. Huh! Where are they?
BRIDGET
Where are what?
NICK
The sandwiches.
BRIDGET
Oh, I must have left them behind. Never mind!
So, who’s here tonight?
NICK
I’m afraid I can’t tell you. It’s confidential. Ha-ha-hum.
OK, well, there’s the usual crowd — Heidi, Kate, Naomi — oops! Sorry, Bridget! I have work to do. Good evening, ladies!
Could I have your names, please? Thank you. Just one more thing. Bridget? Arms up, please, ladies. Hmm, you see, hmm, very nice. Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies. Have a great evening.
All part of the job.
BRIDGET
OK, Nick. So when is it my turn? I want to go in!
NICK
Oh, Bridget, Bridget, Bridget. I promise. As soon as I can arrange it, I will, hmm?
Look, there’s a big Latino night next week. J-Lo will be coming. Leave it to me.
BRIDGET
Oh, thank you, Nick!
NICK
Oh-oh … [clears throat] Stand back. I need to take control.
Sound of slow handclap
BRIDGET
Good! Everything is under control.
ANNIE [Composing email]
I do love Hector, but I think he’s a bit of a wimp.
ANNIE
Wimp!
ANNIE [Composing email]
At least Nick has a tough-guy job at Ice!
NICK [Composing email]
I’ve started my new job at Ice.
NICK
Good evening ladies!
NICK [Composing email]
There was one guy who was looking for trouble, but it was OK.
I had everything under control!
NICK
I have the situation completely under control.
BRIDGET
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
NICK [Composing email]
Bridget was very impressed, especially as J-Lo is coming next week.
NICK
J-Lo will be coming!
BRIDGET
[Whispering reverentially]
J-Lo!
HECTOR
Annie?
ANNIE
Hmm?
HECTOR
About the tattoo.
ANNIE
Hmm.
HECTOR
Er-hmm. Look.
ANNIE
Oh! You did it! Ohh, and Hector, what a wonderful tattoo! Oh, I don’t know what to say! Oh!
HECTOR
Oh, it was nothing.
And I mean it, Hector and Annie forever.
ANNIE
Oh, and look! Charley likes the tattoo as well.
Oh, Charley!
Oh, Hector!
HECTOR
Oh!
BRIDGET
Oh, pl-ease. I’ve just eaten!
ANNIE
Bridget, look. Hector has had a tattoo done just for me!
Oh, isn’t it romantic?
BRIDGET
Hec-ne-ver. Hec-ne-ver? It doesn’t sound very romantic. What does it mean?
ANNIE
What happened? It’s coming off! Oh. Charley has licked it off.
It’s a fake.
Hector, you wimp!
Sound of mobile phone ringing
HECTOR
Hi, Nick.
NICK
What’s the joke?
HECTOR
I am.
NICK
Oh.
Listen, J-Lo is coming to Ice tonight, so we need extra bouncers, so you will be working with me on the door!
HECTOR
But…
NICK
And tell Bridget and Annie they are on the guest list. OK, tough guy?
HECTOR
OK.
Sound of Annie and Bridget laughing in background
Sound of Hector and Nick making assorted macho type noises
NICK
Hey! Yeah.
Good evening, ladies! You are looking lovely tonight.
ANNIE
Oh, Hector, you look so handsome. I’m sorry I laughed at your tattoo.
HECTOR
Annie, Annie, Annie, I am on duty.
BRIDGET
Is J-Lo here yet?
NICK
She’s here.
BRIDGET
Oh, goodie!
I love mixing with the stars.
NICK
Hi.
MAN
She’s cute. Hi, gorgeous.
HECTOR
What did he say?
NICK
Nothing.
HECTOR
Was he…? [Makes whistling noise]
NICK
Erm….
HECTOR
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
MAN
What are you looking at?
HECTOR
I am looking at you looking at her.
MAN
I can look at her.
HECTOR
Not when I am looking at her looking at you.
NICK
I think you mean: Not when I’m looking at you looking at her.
HECTOR
That is what I said!
MAN
You know what? I tell you I’m gonna buy her a drink, OK?
HECTOR
What did he say?
NICK
I think he said he’s gonna buy her a drink.
Oh, Hector, no.
HECTOR
Right, that is it! I am going in!
NICK
No, Hector, don’t. Please…
HECTOR
Oy, you! Leave my girl alone!
Nick! Nick!
His mate is chatting up Bridget.
NICK
Right, that’s it! I’m going in!
Oy, you! Leave my girl alone!
Sound of crashing/shouting
CLUB MANAGER [off screen]
Muscles, you’re fired! And so is your friend!
NICK
That was great!
BRIDGET
I didn’t even see J-Lo.
ANNIE
See, Hector? I knew you weren’t a wimp.
COMMENTARY: [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie is revising for her exams, Bridget has a make-over and guess who is coming to stay? EXTRA, don’t miss it!
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