Narrative
BRIDGET
Ricky Chung – so sexy!
ANNIE
Ricky Chung?
BRIDGET
You know. [Makes Kung Fu style noises]
ANNIE
I hate violence.
BRIDGET
I hate violence too – but I love Ricky Chung.
NICK
Ha-ha, Hector, I tell you, this is a very old English tradition.
HECTOR
Really?
NICK
Really.
Now, put your blindfold on. No looking, OK?
ANNIE
What is Nick doing?
Sound of drink cans being moved on kitchen work surface
BRIDGET
You know, being a genius!
NICK
Right.
Right, now you can choose one.
HECTOR
Aaah!! [Sound of can being opened]
Sound of laughter
ANNIE
Nick, what are you doing? Our floor!
NICK
Well we must teach Hector how to be English.
BRIDGET
Not an English idiot.
HECTOR
OK Nick, now is your turn.
NICK
Hmm – ah.
Sound of cans being shaken
HECTOR
… And this is an old English tradition … !
Sound of laughter
NICK
… You need a shower!
HECTOR
I think I already have had one!
Sound of laughter/telephone rings
NICK
That’ll be for me!
ANNIE
How do you know?
Hello. Oh, Yes, it is for you, Nick.
NICK
Naturally.
Hello. Oh hi. Yeah. Yeah!! Really, great! I’ll prepare for it! Bye.
ANNIE
Nick, why do you always use our number.
You’re so, so …
BRIDGET
… Idiotic, stupid, vain, choose one.
NICK
I have just got an audition for the new nwa!! — Ricky Chung film!
BRIDGET
As I was saying, you’re so clever, wonderful, brilliant.
Ricky Chung.
NICK
Ye-ah, Wicky-Chung. Wooh!
BRIDGET
I always knew you’d make it to the top!
BRIDGET
Ricky Chung.
Nick’s going to be in a film – with Ricky Chung!
ANNIE
Wait a minute. He only has an audition.
BRIDGET
Oh, I’m sure he’ll get it, then I can interview Ricky Chung …
Sound of Kung Fu style noises
BRIDGET
Ah, maybe Ricky’ll fancy me.
ANNIE
You?! In your dreams!
BRIDGET
Ricky and Bridget. Houses in London, Hong Kong …
ANNIE
… Yeah, you’ll have a house in London and he’ll have a house in Hong Kong!
BRIDGET
I should get an oriental style, new clothes, come shopping with me?
ANNIE
I can’t.
BRIDGET
You can’t come shopping?
ANNIE
I have a group meeting. Animal lovers against violence.
BRIDGET
And is Hector going with you?
ANNIE
Ah, Hector.
BRIDGET
What about Hector?
ANNIE
Well, I’ve been thinking about our relationship.
HECTOR
Ow!
ANNIE
Wimp!!
HECTOR
But Hector’s a good man!
He ironed your trousers!
ANNIE
Yes. Yes he did.
Sound of telephone ringing
BRIDGET
Hello.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, hello Bridget. How are you?
BRIDGET
Eunice! Erm, very well, thanks.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh good.
Erm, Channel Nine has to lose people.
BRIDGET
I know. I heard.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
And, guess who is the first person to go?!
BRIDGET
Who?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Yo-u! You’re fired. Ciao!
BRIDGET
Oh wait, oh bu…, but-but-but I’m getting an interview with Ricky Chung!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh.
Ricky Chung, hmm.
Mm, if you get the interview, you keep your job.
No pressure.
Sound of door being opened
HECTOR
Hi Annie.
I’ve just been watching Charlotte’s Kitchen on television.
ANNIE
Oh, not again!
HECTOR
Look, I’ve made you a cake.
ANNIE
A cake?
HECTOR
Ahm.
ANNIE
Really?
HECTOR
Aha. Here, try a piece.
ANNIE
Oh, OK. [Sound of crunching]
What’s this?
HECTOR
Flower.
ANNIE
Flower?
HECTOR
Ahm.
ANNIE
Why?
HECTOR
Well Charlotte said you have to put some flour in the cake.
ANNIE [Sighs]
No Hector. Some flour. Some flow-ers!
HECTOR
Well still, hmm, tastes good, doesn’t it, uh?
NICK
Hey, Hector, I have got an audition for the new Ricky Chung film!
HECTOR
Wow!
NICK
Wow, yeah!
HECTOR
Yeah!
NICK
Superb!
HECTOR
Superb!
NICK
Wooh!
HECTOR
One question.
NICK
Ay?
HECTOR
Who is Ricky Chung?
NICK
You know – Ricky … [makes Kung Fu style noise]
HECTOR
Oh, Ricky Chung.
NICK
Yeah!
HECTOR
I know him!
NICK
Ah!
HECTOR
He was in the Chinese restaurant …
NICK
No, no, no! Look – I will show you Ricky – nwa! … Chung!
Assorted noises from Kung Fu film on TV
NICK
So, will you help me to prepare?
HECTOR
I would love to!
NICK [Composing email]
You won’t believe this, I have got an audition for the new Ricky Chung film!
NICK
Nwa! — Ricky Chung film.
NICK [Composing email]
Look out Hollywood: Nick’s your new man!
NICK
Superb!
HECTOR
Superb!
NICK
Ooh!
ANNIE [Composing email]
Hector did a stupid thing today.
He baked a cake with a flower inside it!
ANNIE
What’s this?
HECTOR
Flower.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Yes!
I’m going to interview Ricky Chung!
The Ricky Chung.
BRIDGET
Then I can interview Ricky Chung.
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Ah, we are made for each other.
I love everything oriental and he will love everything about me!
BRIDGET
Ricky and Bridget!
RICHARD
I hate violence, violence makes me sick.
ANNIE
Wonderful!
I totally agree, Richard.
RICHARD
But I love animals.
ANNIE
I love animals too!
You must come and meet my dog, Charley.
RICHARD
We have so much in common.
ANNIE
I know! [So
und of laughter]
Sound of door opening and closing
ANNIE
Hector, come and sit down. I think we should talk.
HECTOR
OK.
What do you want to talk about?
ANNIE
I think we should see other people.
HECTOR
See other people?
ANNIE
Ahm.
HECTOR
But I see other people. I see Bridget, I see Nick, I see the postman.
ANNIE
No, I mean we should ‘see’ other people.
HECTOR
Oh. Fine!
Sound of door opening and closing
BRIDGET
Hey guys, help me prepare my interview with Ricky Chung!
ANNIE
Bridget, it’s not a good time.
HECTOR
No, no, it is a very good time.
Sit down, Bridget.
BRIDGET
So, you are Ricky Chung.
HECTOR
I am Ricky Chung.
BRIDGET
Yes.
HECTOR
And who are you?
BRIDGET
[Laughing]]
I’m me, silly!
BRIDGET & HECTOR
[Laughing]
BRIDGET
So, Ricky.
HECTOR
Ahm.
BRIDGET
What kind of – women do you like?
ANNIE
Well, I like beautiful women – like you.
BRIDGET
Cor-rect answer!
And tell me, Ricky, do you – have a girlfriend now?
HECTOR
Well, erm …
BRIDGET
Sweetie …
HECTOR
Erm …
BRIDGET
Oh, Ricky.
Atmospheric noise
NICK
Hector, hold this.
Aaah-yeow-aw!!
Hah! Right!
Now I want you to attack me.
HECTOR
Attack you?
NICK
Yeah.
Slapping noise
NICK
Not now.
HECTOR
So when?
NICK
It must be a surprise.
HECTOR
Why?
NICK
So I must always be ready.
NICK & HECTOR
Aah!
Slapping noise
NICK
Good, very good! Aha!
I am feeling good! Ah, yes!
I’m feeling fit!!
Ay …yeaw!!
ANNIE
Nick, are you being violent?
NICK
Erm, no, hah!
Oh thanks, must go. It’s my audition.
Sound of door slamming
Further sound of door slamming
Assorted Kung Fu style noises
CASTING DIRECTOR
OK Nick.
OK Nick, let’s see what you can do.
Assorted noises
CASTING DIRECTOR
Excellent, excellent!
NICK
What?
CASTING DIRECTOR
You’ve got the part.
NICK
I have?
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
CASTING DIRECTOR
Next.
Atmospheric music
‘RICKY CHUNG’
Hey baby.
BRIDGET
Oh!
Nick.
NICK
You are looking at the new Ricky Chung!
BRIDGET
Oh-ho-ho- oh … Nick, that’s wonderful!
Oh, Ricky, Ricky Chung!
Sound of drum roll/shouting/thumping noises
NICK
What are you doing? Are you crazy?
HECTOR
But you told me to attack you.
NICK
But not now – not now!
Ah!!
Sound of drum roll
NICK
Amateurs!
BRIDGET
So, when can I?
NICK
What?!
BRIDGET
Meet him!
NICK
Who?
BRIDGET
Ricky Chung!
NICK
Oh.
ANNIE [Composing email]
Nadia, I have great news!
I met a new man – Richard.
He is so sweet. He hates violence and loves animals!
RICHARD
But I love animals.
ANNIE
I love animals too!
ANNIE [Composing email]
Hector£ Oh, well, Hector is … Hector!
ANNIE
Ah Hector.
NICK [Composing email]
I can’t meet you today, Dan, I have to practise.
You have to be very professional to work with Ricky Chung.
NICK
I am feeling good … …
NICK [Composing email]
Hector’s helping me to prepare.
NICK
Owww!
NICK [Composing email]
Not now, Hector!
HECTOR
So when?
Atmospheric music
NICK
Mm, Ricky Chung.
Hi, I’m Nick.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Oh Nick, Ricky never talks at work.
NICK
Oh, ah, very professional.
Hah, so what do you want me to do? Hah!
CASTING DIRECTOR
You stand still.
NICK
OK.
Assorted thumping noises/groaning
CASTING DIRECTOR
Excellent.
NICK
What is this?!
CASTING DIRECTOR
This is your role.
NICK
Bu-bu-but, we are partners!
CASTING DIRECTOR
Partners?
NICK
Yes, we, we fight the criminals together.
CASTING DIRECTOR
No, no, no, you play the stupid friend!
NICK
The stupid friend?!
CASTING DIRECTOR
Exactly.
NICK
Oh.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Right, let’s try it again.
Ricky, action.
Assorted atmospheric noises
BRIDGET
So how was your first day with Ricky?
NICK
Great!
We get on very well.
BRIDGET
There must be so much to learn.
NICK
Oh yeah!
I taught Ricky a lot today.
BRIDGET
Ricky!
Ah!
Sound of drum roll/atmospheric noises/thumping/shouting
CASTING DIRECTOR
OK, Nick, bend over.
NICK
Excuse me?
CASTING DIRECTOR
I said, bend over.
NICK
I thought so. Ah-ah. Hmm.
Ow!! Ah-ah!
Sound of ambulance siren
NICK
Hello nurse!
Could I have a bath please?
Sound of curtain being drawn back
NICK
Oh, ha, hi Bridget. Ow!
BRIDGET
So, when can I meet Ricky?
NICK
Erm …
BRIDGET
No Ricky?
No interview.
No interview – no job! Ow!!
ANNIE
Oh, poor Nick!
RICHARD [Ricky]
Nick, how are you feeling?
NICK
Rick?!
ANNIE
Richard?
RICHARD
Annie?
ANNIE
Well what are you doing here?
This is Richard. I met him at my protest group.
BRIDGET
Ah!
Ricky Chung!! Oh please, please can I have an interview?!
ANNIE
Bridget, this isn’t Ricky Chung, this is Richard.
NICK
No, no, no, this is Ricky Chung.
ANNIE
Richard?
RICHARD
… Ricky Chung is my film name.
ANNIE
But, I thought you hated violence.
You lied to me, Ricky!
Sound of drum roll/Kung Fu style noises
HECTOR
I brought you some cak
e.
NICK
Thanks, Hector.
ANNIE
Oh Hector, will you forgive me?
HECTOR
Of course.
BRIDGET
How fascinating.
Anti-violence, and a Kung Fu star!
Oh, it’ll make a great interview!
Eunice will love it!
And so will I!!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA.
Charley enters a dog show, Bridget’s got a new boyfriend and guess who’s in trouble with the police!
EXTRA, don’t miss it!